Birthdays

On Friday, we rejoiced as we celebrated Hannah's first birthday. We have come so far in the past few years, and it was great to be able to celebrate the thing that we worked so hard for. She had an awesome party on Saturday and got more toys than she knew what to do with! She was so dainty too, not wanting to get her hands dirty by smashing a cake. When I stuck her hand in it, she promptly turned and wiped icing on my shirt! Silly girl :) She would only eat a mini cupcake, and that was if I fed it to her. Hannah is a prissy little girl!

Today my heart is breaking as I remember the day we said goodbye to Ella. I know she never got to see this world, but I still consider this her birth day. Two years ago today I was in a hospital bed having my baby taken from me. That is how I felt, that they took her away. I know that they were just taking her body and that she was in heaven, but her body is all I had. Now I just have pictures and the memory of how happy she had made me. Last year I wasn't able to do much to remember her. Hannah was 3 days old and I was still sore and sleep deprived. This year is the first that I've really been able to think about everything. I visited the spot at the cemetery that the bereavement group at our hospital maintains. It is the spot where parents who don't have a grave site to go to can go to grieve. Its all I have. My heart is breaking. I know how much I love Hannah, and that makes it hard because it reminds me how much I love Ella. I remember how happy she made me. I remember talking to her and singing to her and telling her about everyone and everything she would see. I had such dreams for her, for our lives as her parents. I wonder now who she would look like. I wonder who she would act like. What would her personality be? Would she be a lot like Hannah is? I know she was sick, and I know she isn't now. I know that now she doesn't have to be in pain. But I also know that there is still a special place in my heart that is all hers. It is a place that beats with dragonfly wings, and longs to be Home.
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