Our TTC Journey

Well, if you are here you pretty much know whats going on, but I'll give you the nutshell version.

On April 20, 2008, Neal and I decided "Screw birth control, we're gonna be parents!" We had used birth control ever since we were married and knowing that you have the chance to get pregnant is PRETTY scary at first. Kind of liberating. We went into this thinking that within the first month we'd be registering for our little one. Things don't always go as planned.

We have used ovulation predictor kits (such a pain!), charted my basal body temperature on Fertility Friend online (wow was that confusing), and bought an OV-Watch, which we haven't yet been able to use. After 73 days without a period, I went to an OB/GYN to see what was up. No ovulation detected on the BBT chart or anything. I went to Dr. Malik on October 7. After a quick exam, he did an ultrasound and we saw that my ovaries were pretty jacked up. I have cysts all over them! He diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and did bloodwork to confirm. On Oct. 13 I went back for more bloodwork. I am scheduled to go in on Oct. 22 (tomorrow) to get my results.

To say the least, I am terrified. I don't know what the results will show. Diabetes runs in my family and I am scared that my insulin levels will be off. I can't imagine having to stick myself with needles every day. I am trying to be strong and just let things happen as they will while trying to do all I can to make myself healthy. I know that the PCOS can be tied to being overweight, so I am trying to diet and exercise. Neal tries to help me. We are going to my appointment together tomorrow. It is our first time facing infertility together.

I know what you're probably thinking; "its only been 6 months, you can't be termed infertile yet." Maybe not. When Dr. Malik did the ultrasound he basically told me that without some help from medicines making me ovulate, the chances of me ovulating and us timing it right are pretty slim. I mean, I've only had 2 periods in 6 months for pete's sake!!

Anyway, I know I'm going on and on, but I thought this blog would be a good place for me to vent. I am at work all day with a girl who's sister is pregnant so I hear abou that, then her pregnant friend (who I graduated with and who ISN'T EVEN MARRIED) comes in today and she is pregnant. Just freakin great. It would spectacular if I could just isolate myself from these kinds of people! The sister isn't so bad cause at least she's married, but COME ON!! So I try to make myself feel better by shopping for cribs and strollers and highchairs and whatever else I can find online to make me feel like I am doing something proactive towards our lives with children. But then I just get reminded again that it could be several more months before I even need a crib or anything else and I get upset again. I feel like I could just sit here and cry. I don't want to have my own pity party or anything, but I really don't know what else to do. I am like a sitting duck at this stage. I just have to find out what the tests show and see what we are going to do from here. Every time I hear of or see someone who I went to school with who has kids without even trying it feels like my heart is beijg ripped from my chest. Its like someone just reaches in and squeezes it and won't let go. It hurts so deep. Its like someone is just cutting through me. I try not to dwell on it and focus on the positive but it is so hard. Some days I wonder why we are trying right now. I wonder if I'm ready, if we're ready. I think about "Oh, I won't be able to go anywhere on my own anymore, and I won't be able to just pick up and do something." But then I feel like this and I second guess my second guessed! I am just so lost. I don't know what I want or how to get it. And sometimes I feel so alone. I go to work, I come home to an empty house, and I wait for Neal to get home. No outing with friends, no one all day who cares anything about me. And when Neal finally does get home, we have an hour or two together before we have to go to sleep. Then the next morning it starts all over again.

I think I've exhausted everything I can say for now. Hopefully we will get good news tomorrow from Dr. Malik. I will post again then when I find something out.

Until then,
Kristin