Our Glory Baby

After months of wondering, I finally did some research yesterday and I am now confidant that in June we had a chemical pregnancy. In June, my first month off birth control, I had a 69 day cycle. I took my basal body temperature (BBT) and the chart showed that I did ovulate. I had the implantation dip at 6 days past ovulation (DPO). The pregnancy charts are frequently triphasic, with 3 distinct temperature ranges. I had this also. I had high temps until 18DPO when they started to drop. This was a 20 day luteal phase. They say that if you have elevated temps for 18DPO you are pregnant, and that combined with the really long luteal phase leads me to believe this. I'm really not surprised. With PCOS I have a 1 in 3 chance of miscarriage. And I've kind of known but I didn't want to accept it. Yesterday I was able to let go. I made a scrapbook page for them and was able to really trust and know that there was a reason for it. I know that our baby is in heaven, being rocked to sleep at night by Jesus and I couldn't ask for more for them. I just can't wait until I can be there with them. I want to hold my little baby in my arms and let them feel all the love I have for them. I told Neal what happened. I haven't said anything to him until last night. He didn't really want to accept it, and said that we'll never know for sure. I told him that I know, in my heart, that's what happened. He was sad and we cried together for a while. He said it wasn't my fault, and we can't change anything now. We can just hope for the future.
Our scrapbook page is beautiful. It says 'Our Angel', has the date (June 22, 2008), a sticker that says I Love You Little One, Phillipians 1:3-4 "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy.", You Belong to God, and the words to the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I'll have to post a picture of it. Its my best one yet. I told Neal that even though we never got to meet him/her, they're still a part of our lives. And they're a part we'll never forget; our first little one, the light of our lives. The one that made us parents forever. I AM a mommy, I just have someone else greater taking care of my baby instead of me. And I am ok. I bet that my baby is playing in heaven with all of my friends' babies who left too soon. And I'm sure that it is greater than anything that I could have ever dreamed for them.