The Sky

It has been cloudy today, and raining off and on. The rain has made me sad this week, because it seems like even the sky is crying. Its been a rough day. This morning my cramping got worse. I thought maybe I just had to go to the bathroom, but I guess this might be the miscarriage equivalent of labor pains. I laid in my car for an hour or so (Neal brought me to work about 1 hr 10 min early so I don't have to drive) and they got worse. When I got out of the car to come inside I felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom and sure enough, the bleeding has started. Five days after my D&C. I've never felt pain like this in my life. A few times I've rushed to the bathroom, expecting to see a blood-soaked pad but I haven't. I am passing clots now. Most are very small, but I had one blood clot the size of a quarter and one the size of a walnut that was hard. I guess its just the Crino.ne build-up that is coming out blood colored now. I don't know. Thank goodness for Darvoc.et.

Maybe that is the reason for the rough day. Maybe its not knowing when our baby died, or why. Yes, they are doing chromosome testing. But right now its unknown. We aren't going to find out the sex of the baby. We think it will be too painful. I don't know. We aren't naming the baby right now either. We just call them our little "Glory Baby" (listen to the song on my playlist at the bottom). I am thankful for our faith, because we know we will see our babies again one day. We will be able to hold them and kiss them and love them in a way we can't on earth. While that does make it a little easier, it still hurts to not be able to do all of those things now. We should have a 5 month old in our arms and another in my belly. Instead, we hold both of them in our hearts.

I listened to our song on my lunch hour (the one mentioned above). I thought I would be ok, but I guess I thought wrong. While I was listening to it, the clouds parted a bit and the sun was able to shine through. This really got to me. Friday night after we found out our baby had left us, we saw rays of sun shining through the clouds. Neal looked at it and we both started crying because we knew that our baby was looking down at us. We know they are always with us, just not in the way we would like them to be. Since 2pm, there have been rays of sun shining in the window at work, and I know God sees and feels our pain and wants us to know that all will be okay.

I am trying to see the positive in these experiences. Here's what I have learned so far:

1. Our babies have been spared the pain that they would have felt had they been able to have been born. Most chromosomal abnormalities that cause miscarriage are "incompatible with life", and our children may have died within hours or days of birth with much pain and suffering.
2. I can be an example and source of comfort and hope for others in these situations if I will allow myself to see what God wants to do through this.
3. Because of infertility and loss, I am a stronger woman than I ever imagined possible.
4. I have the most wonderful husband, friends, and church family that anyone could ask for.
5. "The darker the night, the brighter HE can shine" (33 Miles, Jesus Calling)
6. 'Peace that passes understanding' is real, and really does pass understanding. Don't feel guilty for peace; it is like a warm embrace and a gift from God.
7. Life does and will go on. It hurts to think about that fact, but it does. If life didn't go on, all hope of a living miracle would be gone and that's what drives me to try again.

These statements make me sound like a strong woman who has it all together. I'm not. I'm lost and scared and hurt and confused. But I have a faith that refuses to be shaken, and I WILL see my babies again one day. "What a day, glorious day that will be."

"We miss you everyday, miss you in every way

But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you

And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay

*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*

You'll just have heaven before we do

You'll just have heaven before we do"