Why does He break me like this?

I do my best to pretend I'm strong. I act tough and try to see the best in things, and that gives me comfort. I can go for a blood draw 3 weeks after a D&C and sit in a room full of preggos and not crack. I can look at my dr in the eye and talk about the chromosome disorder that my daughter had. And I can laugh again.

And then I get in my car and my Sir.ius radio (tuned to The Message on Si.rius 66) says "new music" so I turn it up like I always do. The artist and title pop up; Steven Curtis Chapman 'Heaven Is The Face'. I think, "This should be good," then I hear these words being sung:

Heaven is the face of a little girl/With
dark brown eyes/That disappear when she smiles/Heaven is the place/Where she
calls my name/Says, “daddy please come play with me for
awhile”

God, I know, it’s all of this and so much
more/But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for /God,You know, I just
can’t see beyond the door/So right now /Heaven is the sound of her breathing
deep/Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing/And Heaven is the
weight of her in my arms/Being there to keep her safe from harm while she
dreams

And God, I know, it’s all of this and so
much more/But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for /God,You know, I
just can’t see beyond the door/But in my mind’s eye I can see a place/Where Your
glory fills every empty space

All the cancer is gone/Every mouth is
fed/And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed/Every lonely heart finds their
one true love/And there’s no more goodbye/And no more not enough/And there’s no
more enemy (no more)

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss/And a
thousand other little things that I miss with her gone/Heaven is the place where she takes my hand/And leads me to
You/And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can
dream/It’s far beyond anything I can conceive/So God, You know, I’m trusting You
until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl

Then this morning "Homesick" comes on the radio on my way to work (and I cry again). "Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now." I know I sound depressed, but I'm not. I am actually doign really good, I'm just sad right now. I can't imagine not knowing that I'll see my daughter again. Wow, that's still amazing. My DAUGHTER.

**On May 21, 2008, Contemporary Christian singer-songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman lost his five-year-old daughter Maria Sue Chunxi in a tragic accident. Her brother's Toyota Land Cruiser accidentally hit Maria when he was pulling into the driveway of their home, and she was pronounced dead upon arrival to the hospital. Beauty Will Rise was Chapman's first album since the tragedy and this first single released from the set eloquently addresses the topic of loss. In the face of all his grief, Chapman paints a picture of what Heaven must look like with Maria in it.**