Stop saying "But last time..."

I keep hearing that. My nurses say it, my friends say it, it hear it everywhere. But I can't stop thinking about "last time". Last time I thought everything was perfect too, down to that last week. In that last week I started to feel like something was wrong, but it may have just been that I hadn't seen the LO in so long. I don't feel nervous like that this time, thinking there's a problem, but I can't help but worry. Today we are 9w1d. The longest one of my pregnancies has lasted was 9w6d. The longest one of our babies has survived was either 7w3d or somewhere in week 8. I probably wouldn't be quite as scared if the heartbeat had been stronger last week. I'm hoping that it was just an old machine, or that the baby was moving too much.

I am scared to death that something has gone wrong in the last week. I am scared that I will go in tonight, to that same room, and our baby's heart will have stopped. I can't relive that day again. I'm not strong enough. Neal can't take it either. I have really felt like all is fine, that this baby is perfect, that we will bring it home. But the day of the appointment, knowing that at this time last time... My calmness and sensibility escape me and I am all nerves. I hate being like this. I hate fear. I hate not being able to enjoy being pregnant. I hate the nagging reminder in the back of my mind every day. I HATE it.
At the same time, I am thankful that we have made it this far. I am thankful that I am sick all day every day because maybe, just maybe, this means that our baby is still doing good and growing strong. I am thankful for a husband who is willing to let himself get excited, even though our hopes have been dashed before. I am thankful for all of my friends who are praying for us and this little one.
And at this point I am begging, I'm PLEADING to God that all is okay and that we will see arms and legs tonight, that they will be moving, that we will hear a strong heartbeat. PLEASE, that's all I want.