As I was doing yet another 1000 piece puzzle last night, I realized the reasoning for my multiple hobbies: its something I can do RIGHT. My list of hobbies now includes:
- puzzles
- scrapbooking
- jewelry making
- lampworking (glass bead making)
- home decorating
- photography
- cooking and baking
- logic problems and puzzle books
- keeping up on celebrity gossip (ok, this might not count as a hobby)
All of these things I can SUCCEED at. I was thinking last night, too, about the boards I'm on. On one board, the girls have no problem getting pregnant (typically) but we can't stay pregnant. On another, we can't get pregnant at all. Where do I fit then? I'm both. Not only can I not get pregnant (at least without some pretty serious intervention), but I also cannot carry a child to term. I feel like a failure a lot of the time. Sometimes I come home and see laundry waiting or dishes that need done and then I think geez, I can't even keep a home. What good am I? I screw stuff up at work sometimes and my boss seems to hate me some days. Why do I even bother?
I really don't know where I fit at all. We don't even have friends our own age. Our closest married friends are 10 and 16 years older than us and don't have children (together; she has a 16 y/o daughter). There's not even anyone at church our age, and especially no one even close to us going through IF and recurrent loss. It hurts. I'm an outcast. My old friends act like I don't exist because they have kids and I don't, so I don't matter or won't understand. I wish they would realize that while I don't understand the daily struggles, the exhaustion, or the joy that comes with having a child, I do understand the love that they feel. What the world doesn't realize is that even though I don't have little ones in tow, I DO have children. I have two babies. I have a daughter named Ella that I will never get to know this side of heaven. I have a baby that I wasn't even able to see because they were gone so fast. But I love them with all of my heart, and there isn't a day that goes by that they aren't with me. I see reminders of them everywhere. Rays of sunshine peeking through the clouds reminds me that they are always watching. Dragonflys make me think of their spirits that are still here with me, even though they are in heaven. I am a mommy, even if I won't ever get to hear my kids say it.
I wish there were a microscope that people could look through and see what you are made of. I think they would realize we are all a lot the same. We are built of bone and muscle and blood, yes, but there is so much more. We are held together by strength, by determination, by courage. We are held up by hope, by faith, by love. Underneath the exterior, there is a lot more to the person in front of you. Take the time to see it
"One day at a time- this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled by the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." ~Ida Scott Taylor
(((HUGS KRISTIN)))
ReplyDeleteI can somewhat relate to what you are feeling, lately I have felt like a failure on so many levels. So like you, I have tried to focus on things that make me happy and give me a sense of worth, unfortunately I haven't been so good at focusing! LOL! Hang in there girl, you have determination, strength, and most of all faith. God knows you are hurting, and He will help you to get through the difficult times, so you can relish the amazing moments of life.
I can relate to you about "not fitting in"...Maybe we aren't the ones who aren't fitting in, maybe it is all of them ! While we are all striving to be part of that group, try to focus on the good things that life has to offer you. Live in the present..
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))
((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI think all of us IFers feel the same way about not fitting in and feeling like failures.
Kristen, we are all not the same in IF land but we all have the same goal, don't we? Each of us have our own story, our own pain.
((hugs)) things will get better.
(((HUGS))) I had a comment all typed up but changed my mind. But i have felt what you are feeling. More (((HUGS))) and sorry I can't say anything more helpful/profound. just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteFrom one over-hobbied-individual to another -- Very touching and insightful. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI really can feel your pain through this post. I understand completely where you are coming from. Only three short years ago, we were the outcast couple...or so it felt...because we were the only ones not having babies. I lost friends...friends that wanted to hang out with other moms. I never recieved an invite to playdates or Bible studies for moms. It does hurt...
ReplyDeletePlease...know you guys are always welcome here. I haven't pushed you, but I'd love to see you. Just let me know when and where, and I'll be there. Maybe one night you guys can come here for dinner. : ) Love you...
Kristin, I understand completely how you are feeling. I had a pretty big group of friends throughout college and when I first started working. I am now the only one who doesn't have kids or is pregnant. They plan playdates or exchange maternity clothes and I'm completely left out. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me at sarahesebby@yahoo.com, you may remember me from the webmd boards, I'm ssebby. We can exchange phone numbers from there.
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