What a Day (sorry so long)

Today was a rough one. Let's rewind to last night. I hate blaming it on the hormones, but I was a mess last night. See, Dylan (lil bro) had his first prom last night (Junior prom). Neal and I were supposed to go to Indy for dinner but before I wanted to see my baby bro. He and his best friend Eric were supposed to go pick up a motorcycle, take it to Eric's house, then come back and get me so we could see bro on the way to Indy. Its 6:30 and he still wasn't here! He calls to say that they're at Eric's mom's house and they're cleaning the bike up and taking it to show some guy that might buy it. THANKS FOR TELLING ME IN ADVANCE! I completely lost it. Yeah I was upset because I hadn't seen him all day and I was mad that he didn't come get me to see Dylan. But I think I was more upset because he wasn't here for me. I was doing another practice shot when he was here and he wouldn't even be here. He didn't want to see it or have anything to do with it. I felt so alone when he left. I needed him here to support me and tell me he was proud of me for doing this but he was gone. It hurt so, so bad. Well, I went to see Dylan but I was still mad so I went to the park to read and be alone. Well, Neal came there and got me and we went home. He said he is just having a really hard time accepting the fact that we can't do this alone. He said that he still wants to do this round of treatment though. Its just so hard. I'm not taking it all very well and knowing that he is struggling with it too makes it almost unbearable. I don't know if I can or should go through with this. If we are both so broken right now, should we be having a child? I don't know the answers.

When we got home Neal started feeling sick. He was running a fever and didn't want to eat. Finally around 10pm he got hungry enough so I made some pasta. We fell asleep, then at 1:45am he woke up throwing up everything he had eaten. That was the only puke accident, but you know what else comes with the flu. Uh huh. All day long. I feel sooo bad for him. I don't know what to do to help. I don't like that feeling. I made him eat some crackers and toast and drink water and Sprite. I thought he was feeling better and he got sick again a little while ago. I just wish I knew what to do to make him feel better. Neither of us got to see our moms today and I feel terrible about it. I didn't want to get anyone sick and Neal wasn't up to going anywhere. I just hope we can make it up to them soon...

Every time I woke up I kept praying that he would feel better by morning. It was for a selfish reason, though; I didn't want to go alone. Normally I would have just stayed home, but I felt that I needed to be there. Earlier this week our Pastor sent me an e-mail letting me know what the message would be on this Sunday. You can imagine my surprise when he said that he would be preaching on barrenness on mother's day. Psalm 113:9 says "He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children. Praise the Lord". This was one of the verses that the message stemmed from. I am glad I went, even though I was crying driving there and throughout the entire service. I made the mistake of listening to "Glory Baby" on the way there. Then when I got there I was late and there was no one for me to sit with (further increasing my feeling of being alone). Thankfully, God knew I needed someone to be with me and a wonderful woman named Carmen came and invited me to sit with her. I needed it. I have not cried so much (especially in front of people) in a very long time. I was hurt and broken and embarassed and cut to the core. Every emotion was laid bare and I'll be honest, I don't think I liked it.

Did you know that 3 of the most important men in the Old Testament were married to barren women? Abraham was promised that his seed would be as many as the stars, yet Sarah was unable to bear a child. Sarah was ninety when Isaac was born. Years later Isaac married Rebekah, and she also was childless. When Isaac was older than 40, Rebekah bore twin sons, Jacob and Esau. Again several years later, Jacob married Leah and Rachel, sisters. Jacob loved Rachel but not Leah, but Leah bore him 6 sons and a daughter. Rachel had born him none. Seeing the desire in her heart, the Lord enabled Rachel to conceive and she bore him 2 sons before dying in childbirth with the second.
And everyone knows the story of Hannah. She cried out in desperation to the Lord in great anguish and grief. The Lord remembered her, and she gave birth to Samuel, a boy who would become a prophet and restore the Word in that time. Out of her despearation and sacrifice, something was birthed that changed history!

Of the 43 named women in the Bible, 5 were barren. Two more who were unnamed were. The key word here is WERE. The Lord heard their cries and answered them. God fulfills His promises. His grace is sufficient and His promises endure. Habakkuk 3:17-18 says "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields rpoduce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior." No matter what happens, He knows what we need. Our Pastor told us that if God does not answer the prayer, He knows why. The question isn't "God, why not?", but instead "God, why not yet?" Of the women in the Bible who were barren, all were healed and given children. We have to focus on the things that we DO have now.

Pastor asked for those of us struggling to have children to come forward, and then those who have dealt with it before to stand with us, and mothers who had lost children to stand with us. I was afraid that I was the only one but I wasn't. There were three of us who stood up and said, "You know what, I don't care what they think. I am going to pour out my heart and my soul and reach out for hope." It was so hard to get out of my seat. I was scared and felt so alone. But once I got up there, I wasn't. I had women come and put their arms around me and cry with me. I knew that I wasn't alone. Pastor told us to not give up. He said that the trials that we face are for a reason, and that one day there will be someone else struggling and we may be the only ones who understand. There are a lot of people praying and I know that some day it will pay off.

I have struggled with whether to continue with this cycle or not. I am starting to think that maybe it isn't the right time and that is why it isn't happening. Then I think well maybe we are going to need help and we have been given the finances and abilities to pursue help right now and that is why it has all fallen into place. I mean, he HAS brought an amazing doctor to us. He truly is a blessing and I don't believe that it is just by chance that we have been introduced. So with today being CD3, I took my Clomid and did my injection with only a minimal panic attack. No bleeding even! I am excited and a little nervous for this. I should have a follie check on Thursday or Friday to see what we have in there. I am leaning towards Friday, hoping that we are ready and can trigger that night and do our IUIs over the weekend. I won't have to miss any work, so that would be fantastic. The only problem would be that we are supposed to be out of town on Saturday for Neal's birthday. I guess we'll see how it works out. I can only pray that when I ask "God, why not now?" He answers and say, "Yes, now." I pray that in about 9 months we will have a little one or more in our arms and my heart will finally be whole. The hole is baby-sized and nothing can fill it. Part of my heart is already in heaven, and the other part is waiting for the gift that is to come. I ache to hear the coos and cries of OUR baby in OUR house every day. They already have me wrapped around their finger. The love that I feel for our little ones cannot be described in any way other than completely and utterly all I have. My heart yearns to hold them and know that it is a gift straight from the lap of God.

The goal of this post was not to start a religion or doctrinal squabble with any of my friends. But for those who believe, I pray that this was an inspiration for you in some way. It was much more powerful being spoken from a pastor, but I hope that the point was conveyed. That said I would like to wish ALL of us with living babies or ones in heaven a very Happy Mother's Day (my first) and end with a prayer:

Lord, I pray that you would be with all my friends reading this right now. Wrap your arms around them and let them know that you are there and understand our pain. Remind us of the promises that you have given us and help us to find the patience to wait on your time. Show us your will and give us peace today. Grant us all the desires of our hearts, and help us to be strong until those desires are fulfilled. Thank you for bringing such wonderful people together and thank you that you brought those people into our lives in just the perfect time. Be with us and help us to be there for each other. In Jesus' name, Amen

God bless you all, I am so thankful for each and every one of you (and sorry this got so long).